A Letter for Randall, A Gift for His Mother

Randall,

Don’t get excited.  The enclosed is a gift for your mother.

From one ex-patriot to another.

I image her getting up on 29 April 2011, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, beaming with pride, filled with anticipation of the Royal Wedding, and, — now, this is important to the construct of this fantasy — early enough to watch live, on American TV, the ceremony from Westminster Abbey .

So, I’ve packed a small street party.  There are some egg-shaped chocolates to kick-start the day — they have a rum filling revenant of old British sea-faring tradition, just enough to ensure the caffeine injection via sugar rush (I hope that she’s not diabetic), just enough to ensure that she can make the early, early, all-important first cup of Joe.  (That’s not your father’s name, I know.  She’ll get the picture.)  There is also a beaker for coffee — it’s here, frankly, in hopes that she can see clearly the happy Royal couple’s faces and warm the memory every time she fills it in future.

I hope that you will return the favour for me, when Sara Palin ascends to the American Presidency.  A mug bearing the brimming mug of a pit bull with lipstick, well, it would do me proud.  I could fill it with the finest British Tea (which, of course, I’d pour down the drain just as would our Founding Fathers! [at least, . . . that's what I'd tell you, as I'd sooner pour it down my gullet in anticipation of the sun setting at 15:40 hours, that 3:40 p.m. to you]).

Now,  R E M E M B E R , this is a gift for your mother.

Please make sure that she receives it.

Tell her you had it sent as a loving son from her native England, just for her; and, take one — just one — rum egg for yourself.

Oh, and, …

if your mother is a Republican rather than a Royalist, don’t . . .  just don’t tell me.  The vile things one might do to a Royal Wedding beaker on a rum injected chocolate high are just beyond mention in polite company, . . . though I’m certain some might be satisfying quite as long as not thrown at the TV.  (BTW, That’s Republican as in British politics, not American.)

Best regards, as always, from . . .

Me.